I am sure
most of you will have followed last week’s unfolding of the news on
unacceptable behaviour and actions by a certain film director. What was
acceptable for over 20 years suddenly became unacceptable within 20 hours. But
the most unacceptable of this whole story or series of stories for me was how
so many knew what was happening and chose to pretend they didn’t know and
played a blind eye to it.
The most unacceptable
for me is that today still this continues to happen in that setting as he was
only the tip of the iceberg but not one is focusing on that. Just focusing on
what we already know.
The most
unacceptable for me is to have presidents who are bullies, CEOs who are
aggressive, TV programmes and reality shows where people are being belittled
and abused by so called judges in front of masses of audiences, and people
continue to accept the unacceptable.
You bring
this from Hollywood to our own environment, and I bet that each and every
single one of us today knows at least one person who is being victim of
unacceptable behaviour or actions, and yet, we too, are doing nothing about it.
At home or
at work, since human societies were formed, each of us have often or at least
once accepted conscious or unconsciously what we think was normal, was
tolerable and was acceptable during that era… when, in fact, very often, and
with hindsight, it is not, it was not, it never should have been and never
will.
I am talking
about abuse: abuse of power, abuse of position, simply abuse. The good news is
that with so much access to literature, legislation and rules these days, something
can be done about it.
Let’s talk about abuse, what is
abuse?
Whether it
is language, humour, messages or behaviours, direct or indirect, where does one
person’s actions become abusive? How does one notice what is acceptable what is
not? How do others notice what is unacceptable and what they can do as
individuals and as a group to put a stop to it?
Whilst
everyone recognises that what physically occurs in the public sphere is
unacceptable from verbal to physical aggression and there are a number of
channels that have been put in place such as law enforcement, social services
and confidential call in lines, reality is, only a very small percentage of us
either victims or witnesses actually have the courage to take action and report
it.
And that is
just the physical abuse side of things. Very often, prior to the physical
abuse, one is first abused emotionally. And more often than not, it happens at
home or at work.
Why is actually emotional abuse on a
much larger scale than physical abuse – which is why some people just don’t get
it?
The marks
are not visible to a stranger. We live in a society where we have to
circumstance everything with proof – which is a good and bad thing. Instead of
taking someone’s word, as human beings we feel the need to provide proof and
validation. And it’s only at that point do we feel like things are “real”.
Emotional
abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the
victim’s self-confidence, self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and
self-concept.
So how can one spot abuse?
The lists of
types of emotional abuse also range which can also be confusing to an outsider
because there is no physical proof. Abusive expectation, aggressing, constant
chaos, denying, dominating, emotional blackmail, invalidation, minimizing,
unpredictable responses and verbal assaults are the main categories of
emotional abuse – however, it’s important to remember that some instances can
be a compilation of a few or many of these categories.
It all starts with small things that with
time escalate to big ones…
A colleague
that does not do their job properly and you cover for their failures, or one
that takes credit for what you do. A client that talks down to you, or others,
that ridicules or belittles you in meetings or one on one. A manager that makes
small jokes, small comments that, with time, become who you are known for. A
partner that gives you the silent treatment, or the public humiliation. Even a so-called
friend that isolates you from the others, from social events to important
decision making events.
Abuse of
power, abuse of position, abuse of minds, abuse of manipulation that becomes
bullying under the mask of assertion, of unspoken rules of success and excellence
grow over time. But being successful and excellent does not mean inflicting
suffering in others. Being in charge, in a senior position or having power does
not give anyone the right to be abusive.
So how does one put a stop to the
small and big things that lead to abuse without the fear or retaliation?
Stop, step
back, sense and speak out.
Stop the rat
mill.
Step back
from the situation.
Sense your
instinct.
Gain the
courage for speaking out.
The world
was not safer before or more dangerous than it is now. Abuse is part of human
nature, but accepting it does not have to.
You have the
tools, you have the people and more importantly you have the responsibility to
speak out. Because like you or the person you know is being abused, many others
will continue to being so until someone has the courage to say no more. You owe
it to yourself, you owe it to others.
So how can mindfulness help you take
a stance and stop abuse?
Relationships
of any kind are not a topic taught at school though I have always been a
believer that they should. But these days you have enough literature and
resources to inform you and give you courage to change how you relate to it.
One of the steps you can take, is meditating on those ideas and by taking
distance gaining better visibility of what is happening.
Mindfulness
is not designed to get rid of abuse. But it can change the way you relate to it.
Whilst we cant control everything that happens around us, in our lives, what we
can do is train the mind in such a way that we can respond more calmly, more
clearly to those things that happen.
Whether it’s
the thoughts and the feelings that arise in our mind, whether it’s physical
sensations that arise in the body, whether it’s experiences outside of
ourselves, relationships with others and things that happen outside of our
control, very often the patterns of behaviour are so strong, it feels like we
have no choice, in the way that we react.
But by
training the mind through mindfulness and meditation, we learn how to step
back, create a little bit of space, so it’s more of a response rather than a
reaction.
I will leave you with a bit more food
for thought...
Abuse is
emotional mistreatment, committed directly or indirectly by a person or group
of people directed at anybody. People who have been affected by abuse are
suffering immensely. It is as a serious workplace and society issue and it is
not acceptable.
Abuse can
only persist as long as it is allowed to persist. By enforcing decency,
civility, and high ethical standards in a mindful way in the workplace, at
home, in the playground and by creating a nourishing environment, bullying and abuse
will not surface.
It’s easy to
stand with the crowd, it takes courage to stand alone.
Do what is right, not what is easy.
