May 27th 1977

On May 27^th, 43 years after 1977, whilst the world continues to count the tenths, hundreds and thousands of humans who succumbed to this pandemic, the thousands if not millions of others equally humans, but not as much, who are starving, being tortured, assassinated or violated continue to be ignored. Simply put, we have been exquisitely conditioned to the idea that some lives matter more than others, that some truths are more worth telling than others, that some individuals deserve more justice than others, that for the good of a few, many millions must pay the price of indifference, misery, and often death itself.

On May 27^th 1977, in the name of a so called moderate and pacific transition to an alleged democracy, over 30 000 Angolans were imprisoned, tortured, brutally murdered, and then vanished without a trace. Proud and dedicated Angolans who had fought against Portuguese colonialism, who had dreamt of an African country belonging to the majority, to African people. Angolans who sacrificed their personal health and safety for ideals they believed every single African should be entitled to: freedom, justice, economic empowerment, access to equal opportunities. Ideals that had been penned at the very core of the Declaration of Human Rights. 

On May 27^th 1977, thousands of Angolans became orphans, widows, family less, left to their own wounds, scarred for life, unable to burry their loved ones, incapable of understanding the betrayal of their once companions in the fight for sovereignty. As History does so well, silencing the rabbles for the benefit of the sturdiest, day after day, week after week, month after month, the propaganda machine of affluence and authority ensured that no enquiry was ever made, that no investigation was ever conducted, that no legal proceedings ever emerged, in the hope that somehow those manslaughters would fade in the mist of that ocean we call History and Time. 

On May 27^th 43 years after 1977, the truth is slowly but surely emerging, voices are rising, revolt is brewing, because as we so like telling children, truth always ends up comes to the surface. Those orphans, brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, uncles and aunties, friends and family have not forgotten, will not forget, and will now ensure no one forgets what happened. As the Past has so well taught us, you can kill the dreamer but you can’t kill the dream.

Some values will never die: justice, fairness and courage. 

Some dates never die: May 27^th is here to stay.

Father's day 2018

Father’s day 2018

Like a lot of us, for decades, I have been taking my dad for granted because he has always been there for me. I have even complained how much he was involved in my life, how much of an opinion he always has about everything I do and even don’t do. And then the other day, when I actually asked for his opinion on an important matter, he calmly told me: You are a 40 year old woman, it’s about time you knew what is right for you and decide for yourself.

And that’s when I froze. I feared. I freaked.

It suddenly hit me how much I need my dad, how important he has been and always will be, how much I owe to him. And as I go about my 40s existential crisis, not only as a woman, but as a mother, as a single mother, I realise how valuable a father is, how important a dad is, how precious my dad is.
My dad has always been there for me, as a matter of fact, I can’t remember when my dad wasn’t there for me. Even far away, he was there.

He was there when I came out of the operating theatre at my birth, he was there when they told him I was deaf from one ear, he was there to hold me and protect me. He changed my nappies, he fed me, he taught me to walk, he taught me to ride a bike, he taught me to swim and even taught me to snowslide. He studied maths, physics, chemistry and science with me every single week end until I was 16. He knew my curriculum, he went to school to meet my teachers and even directors. He told me off over and over about my grades, of how I should push myself to be the best. He even told off my school for not teaching properly. He did that all throughout my studies and then in the workplace.
He drove me to school every morning until I was 18, he met my boyfriends, he met my friends, he drove me to birthday parties, he took me to nightclubs and even picked me up a number of times at 5am. He mentored me into University, he went to check where I would live, he met my new friends, he flew over when I had heart aches, he argued me with when I sent my first email to do an internship because it wasn’t professional enough, he sent me to Norway to get work experience, he sent me to the USA to get my masters, he dealt with the trips, the sicknesses, the dramas of all the first choices on anything, from renting a room, to getting a company car, to opening a bank account. He coached me when I prepared CVs, he rehearsed interviews a million times. He made me open my eyes to the world, to History, to Politics, to world affairs. Most nights he still sends me a selection of articles at 3am so I stay informed and open minded.

He gave my hand in marriage, he held it in my divorce. He welcomed my son into this world, he flew a million times to see him, he now has him over every other week and week end day and night, starting all over again with school and teachers, and he argues with him, worries over him and spoils him to bits as grand dads do.

I have moaned, I have argued, I have disagreed, I have gotten angry, I have cried, I have stopped talking, I over talked, and even more, over the years, because I wanted him to agree with me and accept my point of view without having the last word.

And the day he did that, I froze in fear and disbelief. Because suddenly I had to be this grown up making decisions for myself and not against his opinion… it was much harder than I thought… so hard to suddenly have to grow up and actually be myself without his input. It was so hard as it suddenly hit me he may not always be there for me one day. And I cried and I cried and I cried.

And then I sat down and thought… what would my dad say? What would he do? What would he tell me to do?

And this is when I realized he will always be there for me, because all these years he wasn’t just there for me like a lot of fathers are, paying the bills and ensuring the family is well fed and looked after financially. He went over and beyond: he pushed me, he challenged me, he shaped me into who I am today and who I want to be tomorrow. And I know he will continue doing so, with me, with my brother, with my son for as long as he lives.

So today, in this 2018 father’s day I have three messages: the first is that I love you dad for being my father and for being my dad. The second is that to all the fathers out there, remember that being a father is hard work, being a dad is what your kids really need and it’s much, much harder. The third one is for all the mothers out there who also have to be fathers: I know how hard it is to try and be both, but keep being superheroes for your kids, so they know one day how to be one too, a mom or a dad.

I am on a mission

I am on a mission

I am on a mission to make my son see, experience and view girls as his peers, his equals, his partners in life.

I am on a mission to teach my son that his gender does not define who he is meant to be, but his identity, his personality, his character do.

I am on a mission to share with my son that boys and girls can play any sports they like, dance any dance they love, pray for any spirituality they enjoy with total freedom, security and mindfulness.

I am on a mission to grow my son to be a man who will ensure the girls and women he meets in his path are given the same fair opportunities to health, to schooling, to work that pays fairly and makes them full engaged citizens of society.

I am on a mission to develop my son to make school a place where all children are encouraged to learn, to think, to speak, to question, to be their best, to know their strengths, to feel they are unique, no matter who they are.

I am on a mission to show my son that fatherhood is parenthood and if he chooses to become a father one day, it’s a full lifetime commitment, not a part time engagement or just a bill to pay.

I am on a mission to teach my son that today girls, women, mothers, daughters, sisters, female friends are not born with the same opportunities as him just because they are from a different gender, but it is his duty to ensure he does his share to change this.

I am on a mission to make my son understand respect, dignity and equality are not options, they are fundamental human rights, that we should all be feminists, that we should all fight for what makes us humans.

I am on a mission to celebrate International Women’s Day with my son today.

When does the acceptable become unacceptable?

I am sure most of you will have followed last week’s unfolding of the news on unacceptable behaviour and actions by a certain film director. What was acceptable for over 20 years suddenly became unacceptable within 20 hours. But the most unacceptable of this whole story or series of stories for me was how so many knew what was happening and chose to pretend they didn’t know and played a blind eye to it. 

The most unacceptable for me is that today still this continues to happen in that setting as he was only the tip of the iceberg but not one is focusing on that. Just focusing on what we already know. 

The most unacceptable for me is to have presidents who are bullies, CEOs who are aggressive, TV programmes and reality shows where people are being belittled and abused by so called judges in front of masses of audiences, and people continue to accept the unacceptable.

You bring this from Hollywood to our own environment, and I bet that each and every single one of us today knows at least one person who is being victim of unacceptable behaviour or actions, and yet, we too, are doing nothing about it. 

At home or at work, since human societies were formed, each of us have often or at least once accepted conscious or unconsciously what we think was normal, was tolerable and was acceptable during that era… when, in fact, very often, and with hindsight, it is not, it was not, it never should have been and never will. 

I am talking about abuse: abuse of power, abuse of position, simply abuse. The good news is that with so much access to literature, legislation and rules these days, something can be done about it. 

Let’s talk about abuse, what is abuse?

Whether it is language, humour, messages or behaviours, direct or indirect, where does one person’s actions become abusive? How does one notice what is acceptable what is not? How do others notice what is unacceptable and what they can do as individuals and as a group to put a stop to it?

Whilst everyone recognises that what physically occurs in the public sphere is unacceptable from verbal to physical aggression and there are a number of channels that have been put in place such as law enforcement, social services and confidential call in lines, reality is, only a very small percentage of us either victims or witnesses actually have the courage to take action and report it. 

And that is just the physical abuse side of things. Very often, prior to the physical abuse, one is first abused emotionally. And more often than not, it happens at home or at work.

Why is actually emotional abuse on a much larger scale than physical abuse – which is why some people just don’t get it?

The marks are not visible to a stranger. We live in a society where we have to circumstance everything with proof – which is a good and bad thing. Instead of taking someone’s word, as human beings we feel the need to provide proof and validation. And it’s only at that point do we feel like things are “real”. 

Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim’s self-confidence, self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. 

So how can one spot abuse? 

The lists of types of emotional abuse also range which can also be confusing to an outsider because there is no physical proof. Abusive expectation, aggressing, constant chaos, denying, dominating, emotional blackmail, invalidation, minimizing, unpredictable responses and verbal assaults are the main categories of emotional abuse – however, it’s important to remember that some instances can be a compilation of a few or many of these categories.

It all starts with small things that with time escalate to big ones…

A colleague that does not do their job properly and you cover for their failures, or one that takes credit for what you do. A client that talks down to you, or others, that ridicules or belittles you in meetings or one on one. A manager that makes small jokes, small comments that, with time, become who you are known for. A partner that gives you the silent treatment, or the public humiliation. Even a so-called friend that isolates you from the others, from social events to important decision making events.

Abuse of power, abuse of position, abuse of minds, abuse of manipulation that becomes bullying under the mask of assertion, of unspoken rules of success and excellence grow over time. But being successful and excellent does not mean inflicting suffering in others. Being in charge, in a senior position or having power does not give anyone the right to be abusive.

So how does one put a stop to the small and big things that lead to abuse without the fear or retaliation? 

Stop, step back, sense and speak out.

Stop the rat mill.

Step back from the situation.

Sense your instinct.

Gain the courage for speaking out. 

The world was not safer before or more dangerous than it is now. Abuse is part of human nature, but accepting it does not have to. 

You have the tools, you have the people and more importantly you have the responsibility to speak out. Because like you or the person you know is being abused, many others will continue to being so until someone has the courage to say no more. You owe it to yourself, you owe it to others.

So how can mindfulness help you take a stance and stop abuse?

Relationships of any kind are not a topic taught at school though I have always been a believer that they should. But these days you have enough literature and resources to inform you and give you courage to change how you relate to it. One of the steps you can take, is meditating on those ideas and by taking distance gaining better visibility of what is happening. 

Mindfulness is not designed to get rid of abuse. But it can change the way you relate to it. Whilst we cant control everything that happens around us, in our lives, what we can do is train the mind in such a way that we can respond more calmly, more clearly to those things that happen. 

Whether it’s the thoughts and the feelings that arise in our mind, whether it’s physical sensations that arise in the body, whether it’s experiences outside of ourselves, relationships with others and things that happen outside of our control, very often the patterns of behaviour are so strong, it feels like we have no choice, in the way that we react. 

But by training the mind through mindfulness and meditation, we learn how to step back, create a little bit of space, so it’s more of a response rather than a reaction. 

I will leave you with a bit more food for thought...

Abuse is emotional mistreatment, committed directly or indirectly by a person or group of people directed at anybody. People who have been affected by abuse are suffering immensely. It is as a serious workplace and society issue and it is not acceptable.

Abuse can only persist as long as it is allowed to persist. By enforcing decency, civility, and high ethical standards in a mindful way in the workplace, at home, in the playground and by creating a nourishing environment, bullying and abuse will not surface. 

It’s easy to stand with the crowd, it takes courage to stand alone. 

Do what is right, not what is easy.

Reflection on success

As we come back from the holiday season and we realise we are just about 3 months from the end of yet another year, a lot of us feel under pressure to demonstrate success and ensure success is at the core of everything we do.

The notion of success in today’s society has largely been reduced to money and power, and, though this might work, or appear to work, in the short term, in the long term it won’t. So it’s important to think and redefine what success means, to each of us.

So now let’s talk about success. What is success to you?

There are two definitions you can find in the dictionary: the achieving of the results wanted or hoped for and something that achieves positive results.

When we talk about a "successful" person, we're typically talking about someone who's got billions in their bank account, someone who's authored multiple bestsellers, or maybe someone who's in charge of an entire company or even a nation.

But can one live without achieving some amount of money?

I remember once saying to a friend that money wasn’t everything, and I was reminded that no poor person was ever heard so say such a thing. True. And let’s be honest, if you remember Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, the basic needs such as the physiological needs of air, water and food, closely followed by safety needs such as being those personal, financial, health and well being, pretty much need a certain amount of money to make us comfortable.So one could argue that a first measure of success is ensuring these needs are met. 

But should one stop there?

Maslow’s then explains social belonging and self esteem are what humans aspire to when the basics are met. Most of us probably see work and social status as a definition of success. Our own goals at work are often measured in terms of revenue, costs, and client satisfaction, where clearly defined metrics drive our behaviours. 

But does that really make us successful?

What about the other two steps in Maslow's pyramids, about self-actualization, ie what a person's full potential is and the realization of that potential? What about self transcendence, where the one self only finds its actualization in giving itself to some higher goal outside oneself, in altruism and spirituality? 

How many of us consider our potential and our altruism as success?

If you ask people who fit the conventional definition of a successful individual, many will tell you that those achievements aren't what made them feel accomplished. If you ask Richard Branson, Barack Obama, Bill Gates, Ariana Huffington, Deepak Chopra or Maya Angelou, yes money and power can help you accomplish a lot of goals and even relative well being, but each and everyone of these individuals quotes real success as being loved, being happy, liking what you do and liking how you do it, making a difference.

While we tend to think of success along two metrics — money and power — we need to add a third. Arianna Huffington said that to live the lives we truly want and deserve, and not just the lives we settle for, we need a Third Metric, a third measure of success that goes beyond the two metrics of money and power, and consists of four pillars: well-being, wisdom, wonder, and giving.

What is success? 

In the short term, it is being able to go to bed each night with your soul at peace. 

In the long term, it is about considering what you want to be said of you at your funeral.

Walking up a mountain

Note to myself: there is a reason why they invented the expressions "climb to heaven" and "go down to hell".

Had the good sense to keep it for myself before I embarked on this journey, so I wouldnt put pressure on myself... Was told on a Saturday night that the following day was the only day suitable to go up the majestic Pico mountain in the Azores islands due to weather conditions... So I did not even have time to panic or be scared... and I realized what I have learnt countless times before, there and then that those are pointless feelings anyway. Fear is a survival emotion we use and abuse to our detriment way too often and paralyses us from reaching our potential way too often.

In total, it took 6 hours and 42 minutes up and down... We climbed up 3/4 of the volcano and the guide said we should go down as it was becoming dangerous... in fact, we had a few storms of wind, snow, hail, rain and mud... And of course ice is beautiful in paintings but dangerous on foot. Like those beautifully crafted people on the outside but cold in their hearts, they can become dangerous after a while.

No we did not walk up a mountain, but yes it was literally climbing with feet, hands, bum and a stick to help. Going up one felt like a god reaching out to heaven, going down was the descent of hell.
I fell 6 times, 4 on snow, 2 on mud, fell flat face on the walking stick, got burnt by the hail in my cheeks, and half way down I wondered why I was thinking that morning if my hair was looking good enough ... It froze!

I learnt that going up in life is a great feeling but you must always remember where you came from and that the higher you climb, the more difficult it will get to come back to reality.

I learnt I must respect and be grateful for my body, at the end of the day this is our most precious gift.
I learnt that in our journey, there will be many mountains to climb but some are more worth than others, and more importantly on must stay realistic and know when danger is ahead of us: it's ok to walk back, it doesnt make your journey less worth it, it makes you a wise person.

I have learnt that the key to success is to take one step at a time, stopping every so often and admire those little details that are so beautiful on our way, that measurement and tracking targets only put on pressure that add no value when you are focusing in doing a proper job, and that balance is the key to our survival.

I have learnt to not assume that what worked 2 seconds ago will be valid 2 seconds later, that there are hidden spots that look innocent but will betray you like some people we meet in our life, but that equally there are some branches which, like the hands of our friends, we can always hold on to, they will never let us down.

Finally I have learnt that if it looks like a mountain, it is a mountain, that you can achieve what you set your mind to do, but that you must always remain humble, honest and true to yourself.

It was an epic journey for me, and I am truly proud of myself. A big thank you to my lovely, patient, interesting and extremely professional guide Mónica from @www.epico.pt whom I highly recommend.

The one word that stayed in my mind: balance.
Ps: note to myself - never ever walk down a mountain again!... until next time

Europe is sick

Europe is sick, we are sick, very sick

Following the asphyxia we imposed to our Greek philosophy that once gave birth to democracy which we took for granted for so long, after losing one of our legs to Brexit as our distant cousins thought hopping or limping would make them rise and walk faster into the unknown, and just before we let our German brains inflict further painful and unnecessary surgeries to our already fragile bodies with the cheap excuse that only private clinics are the cure to our disengaged organs, we have now allowed a double cancer to slowly but surely take over our lungs. 

For so long Equality, Liberty, Fraternity were our symbols, our references, our model of enlightenment, and yet, today we have voted for both inequality, suppression and hostility.

Yes, our choice on May 7^th will be between a man who is backed by all those who created this despicable crisis we are living today in order to accelerate inequality, ignorance and bigotry, to ensure wealth is kept safe in the hands of a few with the backing of the EU institutions, a warily crafted neoliberal establishment, an outdated education system that obstructs reflection and a diabolical media engine that indoctrinates even the most intelligent of creatures, and…

… an individual who has clearly renegaded her feminine roots of care and compassion to cleverly, slowly and surely pick up the remains of the overlooked, the wounded and the distressed, victims of these policies, the weakness of leaders carefully selected for their lack of audacity, and a whole system now judiciously complex, offering the classic simple solutions of plain prejudice, close mindness and chauvinism against those who laid the foundations of its once great empire. 

The saddest part of this whole diagnosis is the fact that ordinary citizens have simply accepted their fate by embodying these venomous toxins and reduce their treatment to a daily dosage of complaints mixed with a few deliriums caused by the contagious fever of their infection.

I hope the medicine men or women who know the solution to a more balanced future will continue to rise to the challenge of rescuing and reconnecting us to our hearts, minds and souls and bring a holistic balanced long term solution to our well-being. 

Until then, I believe we must use what is left of our brains and vote for the least damaging of the two routes in the short term as a first step, and then take responsibility for our health, present and future, and fight every single day against these dangerous bacteria by taking an accurate dose of news, a good amount of reflection and questioning and plenty of love, tolerance and open mindness for one another through dialogue and understanding.