When caring becomes too much

As we have closed the books of the old year, set up goals for the new one, and coming off Valentine’s season, I thought today would be a good day to talk to you about something that most of us do whether at work or in our personal sphere: Caring. 

A couple of years ago, after coming back from a burnout, my manager at that time told me my only real problem was that I cared too much. I found that comment outrageous to say the least, how did caring for someone or our business be too much when it came from such good intentions? Worse even, I had exceeded my deliverables and results.

What is a Caring?

It is displaying kindness and concern for others. It also means the work or practice of looking after those unable to care for themselves. So this can only be a noble cause right? Or is it?

So let’s understand Caring a bit more

When we mention the word “caring” or even “duty of care”, we immediately think of a moral or legal obligation to ensure the safety or well-being of others.

At home, we care about the wellbeing, health and safety first, of our loved ones, of our children, our partner, a family member, a friend, a neighbour. But we also care about their emotional needs. And who hasn’t offered a shoulder at least once to a colleague or even a random stranger in the train?

At work, we care about our role, our tasks, our goals and our deliverables, our colleagues, and as good employees, we often are encouraged for going the extra mile for delivering high quality service to our clients, direct or indirectly. Always more and always better, every week, every month, every quarter and every year. It is what we do, it is what is expected of us. 

Our education, our society and for those who have one, our religion, encourage this trait from early childhood as a wonderful trait that is recognised, admired and even glorified at times.

So I thought as well. I prided myself being called Mother Teresa from an early age. Surely there was nothing wrong with caring so much in everything I did. Surely there was nothing wrong in caring too much. 

But I did have a burn out … and that question did hit a nerve and stayed on my mind for weeks, months, even years and eventually I had my eureka moment.

When and how does caring become too much and therefore become unhealthy. First to ourselves and undeniably to others as a consequence? And what can one do about it?

Whether it is the importance of doing our job well, whether it is our child or an elderly parent we look after, or that depressed friend or colleague, we all have or do or will care for them to the best of our abilities. But it comes to a point, where one needs to recognise it is becoming too much, that it is starting to affect our health, our social life, our wellbeing. 

So what are the signs that we are starting to overdo it?

You use words like "always" and "never"

"I promised so and so I would never let them down."

"I'm sorry I can't go to dinner because I always feed my child by myself and no one else can do that."

“I can never go home at this time because I am expected to deliver this piece of work”,

“I always have my laptop or mobile phone on, just in case I am needed”

“I can never go on holidays in this period, it’s when it is really busy”. 

 

Your friends seem to have stopped calling.

You may be feeling isolated or annoyed that your old circle no longer seems to check up on you and how you are doing. 

But is it possible that you have turned them down so often because of your focus, or that work/children/care concerns so dominate your life and conversation, that they got the message you're just not interested in them? A social life is a two-way street.

Everyone assumes you'll step forward; nobody asks.

Have you become the default go-to person in your team? In your family? For that friend? 

When there is an occasional sickness person this is logical.

But when the entire burden of responsibility seems to have settled on your shoulders whether you've volunteered or not, every single time, it becomes a problem. 

"People take as much advantage of you as you let them." Being them your organization, your family or your friends.

You are out of shape.

True, it may not be your caring too much that is to blame. We could sit around and make a long list of valid reasons for poor health that includes everything from our car culture to a conspiracy of genetically modified crops to bad genes. 

But the fact remains that poor self-care is a big red flag for burnout. Being selflessly focused on others by definition means you are not focused on yourself. And yet you need to be the number one person you look after, in order to be at the very least functional to look after others or deliver your work.

If you don't like what you see when you look in the mirror or listening to the doctor's concern or your friends advice, or if keep getting diseases such as colds, one after another, or at night if your lay down awaken on a regular basis… then give yourself permission to look after yourself, and no, this is NOT selfishness. 

If you think about it, you can’t look after others or be excellent in your work if you are not well.

You can't remember the last time you took a vacation. 

Vacations are really hard when you have others dependent on you or you are in a very demanding job (these days, they all are! Everything is urgent and needed yesterday)… it is never a good time. 

And not being able to even remember the last break you had is a sure sign you're due for one. 

It doesn't have to be three weeks in Spain. Start small if you must: a simple overnight at a friend's house or a local Bed & Breakfast. Just do something. 

You have no hobbies.

You say you have no time for hobbies? Your hobby doesn't have to be a conventional one like stamp-collecting or bird-watching. 

It just needs to be an outlet away from giving too much. Reading novels uninterrupted, taking up knitting, joining a book club, taking a course, going to the movies, or enjoying your children and grandchildren all count, too, anything that takes you away from giving too much for bursts of time. 

Bonus points if it takes you out of the house or the office, too.

You can't sleep through the night.

Two common causes: You're up tending to a sick person or you are sick yourself with stress or a physical problem yourself. A sleepless night or two go with normal busy lives we have- but if it has become your lifestyle, it is a problem you need to correct.

Sleep is not optional!

So where does this all really come from?

We have spoken about caring being a trait that comes from education, society etc… but deep down… specially when it comes to work, it actually comes down to what others will think of us: the boss, the colleague, the client, your partner, your family etc

So how can we spot this?

You focus almost exclusively on how others treat you.

It’s a certain sign of insecurity to mix your identity with what the world tells you about yourself. Each person is going to have a baseline opinion on you, according to how your personalities fit, their values and their prejudices. This baseline opinion is not reflective of your quality or worth

To focus on how others treat you is also problematic in two ways. First, you are putting a lot of emphasis on things you can’t control. Second, you are not putting emphasis on what you can control – YOU. 

You can’t say no.

“No.”

Some people are terrified of the word. But “no” is just as important as “yes.” The reason for not saying no when you want to boils down to not wanting to disappoint the the person who is asking. 

So what is the alternative I hear you ask? How about: “let me think about this?” “Can I come back to you on this?” Or “what is the priority compared to the other tasks”?

You aim to please… everyone!

People pleasers are the worst – not for others, but for themselves. They are pleasant, but fake, yes fake, for to please everyone else is to sacrifice yourself. It isn’t complicated why this happens, because to make everyone happy, you must adapt your behaviour to them. Yes, to be authentic means you are not going to be everyone’s favourite person.

With nearly 7 billion people on the planet, good luck if this means try pleasing 7 billion people. 

It’s ok if you don’t click with some people. So is life. Don’t go out of your way to “fix” it.

You make decisions based on what’s expected of you, instead of what your heart is telling you.

Life is seriously short, and to waste it by only accommodating the demands and expectations of work, family, friends, no matter how special they are to you, is not the best of moves.

A great test to differentiate you from everything else, to take some distance, is to imagine it is the year 2036. With that scenario in mind, what are you doing now that doesn’t seem worthwhile? What should you do instead? What life would you like to create in the time you have left?

Final thoughts

Caring is a wonderful trait and I pride myself in caring about others in my day to day life. I love the feeling that I am making a difference in my work, in my family, with my friends and sometimes even random strangers.  

There is however this distinction between empathy and sympathy, which I believe to be particularly relevant here.

It’s always good to care about others and understand their feelings (this is called empathy), but it’s not always good to actually help them for them (this is called sympathy). Sometimes doing too much for others is doing them a dis-service. And the key to balance, is to find that fine line between the two. Between helping, supporting, delivering and doing it selflessly to the point of getting unwell or unhappy.

Next time you take a plane notice when the flight attendant reminds you to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before helping others.

Your job, first and foremost, is to help yourself and take care of your own needs. That’s why the flight attendants encourage you to secure your oxygen mask first. If you don’t, you and the person you want to help could both go down.

Buddha said “You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your care, your love & affection”.

I hope you found this useful, feedback is always welcome!